If you’re a pale-skinned male with the added bonus of being heterosexual, congratulations! You are a member of the most privileged group in America. If you’re also Christian and employed in some legal occupation – not selling drugs or running numbers – you are one of the lucky ones. You’re the leading demographic for being killed by guns and incendiary devices – in war and in peace. You’re more likely to be shot by the police than any other group on this continent. Be proud.
There are ways to take advantage of this lofty status.
The Job Search
There are federal laws in place that make it a crime for employers to discriminate in hiring for about every possible human attribute – race, creed, color, religion, national origin, gender, sexual preference, porn star mustache, too much blue eye shadow, garlic breath.
Government agencies and most major corporations have some method of human resource accounting that is designed to ensure that their workforce demographics closely resemble the local demographics in the local area they serve.
Be certain that you include in your résumé in a larger font size, possibly even in a different typeface “White, Christian, heterosexual male.” If the rest of your résumé is in 12-point Arial, make “White, Christian, heterosexual male” 16-point Times New Roman, bold, italics, and underlined. This will almost certainly move your application to the top of the pile. After all, in order to attain their quotas for meeting the local demographics, they’re going to need to make sure they hire a solid number of you and your privileged ilk.
Be sure to ask the interviewer if he has his quota of white, Christian, heterosexual males. That will make sure that you are properly considered for your privileged status.
Also, once you’ve secured that dream job, make sure that you’re getting paid the same as women doing the same job. The Equal Pay Act of 1963 requires that women and men performing substantially the same work be paid the same.
On the Job
You’re white and male. You are in charge. All you have to do is watch TV and you’ll know how you’re supposed to act. You can be dismissive and deprecating to everyone who doesn’t share your privileges.
There are a few things you must do and some things you cannot do on the job, in spite of your lofty privileges.
- You must listen to and laugh at jokes about whiteness, Christianity, white males.
- You must not at any point appear offended by those jokes.
- You must never acknowledge or show the least interest in any jokes about or involving anyone who does not share your privilege.
- You must not point out that anyone in your workplace (who is not a white, Christian, heterosexual male) probably didn’t or couldn’t read their own job description.
- You may insult other white, Christian, heterosexual males as long as the insult doesn’t in any way also insult someone else in the room who doesn’t share your privilege.
- Failure can result in unemployment, public embarrassment, despair, homelessness, or worse, nomination for a political candidacy – probably as a Democrat.
Expectations are low. In most movies, and on television, if there’s a moron it’s a white male – generally assumed to be heterosexual unless explicitly and flagrantly illustrated otherwise. A white, homosexual male has given up a little of the privileged status, but there’s a tradeoff. He knows all the best “gay” jokes.
White Privilege for Women
Your privilege is somewhat diminished because it’s only based on skin color. You have the privilege of knowing that every heterosexual male considers you as a potential sexual partner. For the most part they don’t go beyond the quiet fantasy stage, hoping you’ll hit on them first, largely because they’re afraid that if they do they might get rejected – which they couldn’t handle – and by golly if there’s going to be a rejection, they want to do it.
And that about sums up white privilege for women.
I suppose you could count the fact that you can go to a bar without a dime in your pocket and leave drunk in a taxi that somebody else paid for, but I think that’s pretty much a pure gender thing.
A final word of caution. If white, Christian, heterosexual males follow all the advice in this post, remember that in prison you’re to have a boyfriend who’s bigger than you. You want him to be bigger than everyone else, too.
Stay safe out there.