A Not-So-Loving Letter to John Kasich

Dear John Kasich,

It’s been a fun ride, hasn’t it? When you first came on the scene, I thought, “Who’s that guy?” Then I realized you were the reason I have a mute button on my TV. Unfortunately, after twelve debates, I had to get a new remote. I expect a refund if you’re elected president. Oh wait, you’ve been mathematically eliminated from winning. Why are you here again?

Seriously though, at first you reminded me of an infomercial product. You know when you see that glorious merchandise on TV, and you’re initially intrigued because, for all intents and purposes, it appears to be a useful, functioning product? Then you order it, and you realize it supports amnesty for illegal immigrants. Bad analogy? I know. I just wanted to point out how you’re not a conservative.

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Nah. You’re more like the salesman for the infomercial product–loud, and full of lies. Or perhaps you’ve been paid a large sum of money to do the infomercial even though the product is crap. You did accept the Medicaid expansion under Obamacare, which is now approximately $1 billion over budget. Did I mention that you’re not conservative?

Sure, you won Ohio, a state in which you’re the governor. I’ll give you that. After your win, you proudly stated “As goes Ohio, so goes the nation.” Personally, I would say “As go 28 other states, so goes the nation.” But ok. Let’s just say you’re a late bloomer. I mean, we only have 50 states, and even if you won every single delegate left on the map, you wouldn’t win the nomination, but what’s math anyway? It’s only irrefutable! Big deal.

But this does beg the question. If you’re not planning to win the nomination outright (because you can’t. Again, math. Grr!), what’s your plan? Do you hate [score]Ted Cruz[/score] so much that you want to act as a spoiler to make sure he doesn’t win? Or is there a deeper strategy going on here? Do you want to be Donald Trump’s VP? Trump has to be thankful that you’re staying in the race, considering he gets absolutely crushed in head-to-head match-ups with Cruz. Maybe acting as Donald Trump’s esca (Google it) will put you in the Cheeto Puff’s good graces.

It would certainly be a grand scheme. You’d balance out a ticket as the more moderate, establishment pick, thus quelling fears from party leaders that a Trump presidency would make America look worse than Newt Gingrich in a bikini. You’d come out of the convention as the winningest loser in political history.

You really had me fooled for a while. You played the bumbling, mute-worthy, Abe Simpson-esque governor from Ohio quite well. All the while, you were sneaking up on America like the masked man in a slasher movie. Unfortunately for all of us, we don’t get to die like those lucky ducks in “Scream.” We’d actually have to live through a Trump/Kasich administration. Although after four years of President Trump, we may get the sweet relief of a nuclear war. So there’s that.

It disappoints me that your ambition has blinded you to the extraordinary danger of a Trump presidency. But that’s politics, I guess. To slightly misquote George Orwell, power isn’t a means to an end, it is the end.

I’d like offer you some advice as I conclude. Think about what you’re doing. Think really hard. Do you love your country? If you do, and you haven’t lost every ounce of your senses, please drop out of the race. Power isn’t worth it if it comes at the expense of your soul.

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