Proctor & Gamble stock soared nearly 20% on reports it will introduce a line of extra-large disposable diapers with various college logos printed on the butt.
Elizabeth Warren entered a plea of Not-Guilty in U.S. District Court today. Charges stem from allegations that she deliberately deleted any proof whatsoever that she actually is Native American.
Senate minority leader Harry Reid was seriously injured today, when struck by a passing thought. When asked for comment Nancy Pelosi claimed she narrowly escaped being struck by one herself.
Obama announced today that the moon has been getting steadily closer to the earth for the last 70 years. From his subterranean oval office, Obama warned the “collision will soon be unavoidable and science clearly proves this calamity is a direct result of fracking.”
After collecting over 2 million signatures, a petition is calling on the electoral college to set aside the election of Donald Trump. The signature drive hit a snag earlier today when sponsors ran out of liberals able to read it.
When asked to explain Trump’s surprise upset, Attorney General Loretta Lynch blamed illegal aliens. “Post-election data suggest that as many as 20% of illegals voted only once,” she said in a statement to Telemundo.
When MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow asked Vice President Joe Biden if the electoral college should be scrapped, he reacted angrily, “Of course! That’s a college only rich white kids can afford!”
Following the election, Chris Matthews was briefly admitted to Bunker Hill hospital early Wednesday morning, complaining of acute depression. He was given a brand new rope and released.
Earlier, President Obama claimed if African Americans failed to turn out for Clinton, it would be an insult to his legacy. When asked if he stood by those comments, Obama said, “I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but what I’m not sure your realize is that what you heard is not what I meant.”