Have you heard your fearless GOP is finally repealing Obamacare? Oh yea baby! We’ve been working hard and waiting patiently for 7 years to dismantle the abomination that is Obamacare and the day has finally come.
You see, this is why you elect us Republicans. We’re the perfect combination of serious statesmen and yet hip and down with the youngsters, ya know? Just look at old Mitchy Mitch McConnell and Lindsey “Sweet-Tea Graham,” to name a few of the modern Rat Pack. You heard Lindsey make another mobile cellular telephone joke, right? Ha, classic..
Now I know that some of you have heard these lies, this (what does Trump call it…) FAKE NEWS, that this Obamacare repeal bill looks remarkably like Obamacare and I want to be absolutely clear that it is not.
I mean, yes, the bill leaves most of the Obamacare regulations in place, but regulations obviously don’t have anything to do with skyrocketing healthcare costs. Oh, and yes, okay, this bill does start a new entitlement program, but that’s just a starting point of negotiation, you see! Haven’t you read Art of the Deal? Yea, me either.. I actually left it right beside my copy of the Constitution and can’t seem to find either one.
What’s that? Yes, this does bill have all sorts of fun and confusing taxes, but it leaves all of the poor, young, helpless children as old as 26 on mommy and daddy’s insurance, so somebody has to pay for that, right?
Oh, and this new bill sort of forces insurers to cover pre-existing conditions, but not in an Obamacare-ish way, this time in a GOP-y sort of way, which is way better because now the Republican Party will totally get credit for that when all of the reasonable Democrats see how compassionate we are and retract all of the times they called us Hitler. Our conservative estimates have us getting up to 4 new Democrat voters by 2065.
By the way, you’re totally ignoring that we got rid of the individual mandate and replaced it with an insurer penalty. How about a little credit, eh? Who’s your daddy?
So I cannot be any more clear when I lie to you and say that this bill is an Obamacare repeal.
You can totally trust us. We are lawyers and politicians, after all.
Besides, we promise to include our modestly conservative proposals in the plan somewhere down the line, like allowing insurers to sell plans across state lines and healthcare savings accounts. That’s as free market as it get’s right there, let me tell you.
Oh, you thought they would be included in the ‘repeal and replace’ bill? No no, you fool, we couldn’t include it in this phase of the plan. HA! Are you insane? This is government, and government requires compromise. Government requires you to slice away your liberty one piece at a time like a block of salami in exchange for the false promise of prosperity because, as Lindsey Graham always says, “you can’t build a secure sandwich without eating a little liberty. You wan’t some sweet tea?” The guy is hilarious.
Anyhow, we’ll get to those more conservative ideas sometime closer to our next election when we’ll, of course, have the spine to deliver what we couldn’t give you now after winning control of the entire free world. We pinky-promise!
So you see, this is a time for celebration. We’ve spent 7 years promising to repeal Obamacare and we’re finally prepared to do just that – rename and release.
But nothing else.