Suddenly Liberal and Suddenly Lazy

Last week I had a conversation with one of my closest and dearest friends. After which, I decided to become more charitable, more generous, more liberal in my approach to the abundance surrounding me, more progressive in my view of social structures. As a life-long conservative, I expected this evolution to be difficult and morally taxing. But I committed myself to overcoming my greed and to the softening of my heart.

I wrote a short list of the more salient and important objectives we’d have to achieve as a society to become more caring and empathetic people.

Everyone deserves:

  1. Suffrage.
  2. Healthcare.
  3. The right to free speech.
  4. Freedom from speech with which we disagree.
  5. The right to worship according to one’s faith.
  6. The right to be free of the faith of others.
  7. A decent job.
  8. The right to avoid work.
  9. A living wage.
  10. Equal pay for equal work.
  11. A nutritious diet.
  12. Basic furnished shelter.
  13. Water, sewage and rubbish removal, and Electricity.
  14. Reasonable and healthy indoor climate control.
  15. Adequate clothing and the right to not wear any.
  16. Personal safety.
  17. The right to marry their chosen mate or mates.
  18. The right to be a U.S. Citizen.
  19. Unrestricted access to public bathrooms.
  20. Adequate representation in legal and political matters.
  21. Advanced education.
  22. Basic job security. If one can’t carry a sidearm, we are all entitled to body guards.
  23. Children (or the unimpeded right to avoid having them).
  24. Child care.
  25. Access to parks, swimming pools, beaches, and other recreational sites.
  26. Occasional transportation.
  27. Gender/sexual equivalency.
  28. A cell phone.
  29. Unlimited internet access.
  30. Hugs and a periodic full-body massage.
  31. A sufficient number of household pets to satisfy 27 above.
  32. Cigarettes, soft drinks, beer, wine, pot, chips, candy, and pastries.
  33. Condoms, birth control, feminine products, ED medications, and adult toys.
  34. Batteries
  35. Pizza delivery.

Interestingly, the longer my list gets, the less is required of me. Since everyone is entitled to free healthcare, I could even stop my $19/month contribution to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. Since everyone is entitled to a cell phone, no one really needs to use mine. I no longer would have to take people to the food bank, as everyone would have access to transportation. I could stop giving a huge price break to active duty military, because they’d be getting the same pay as everyone else. I wouldn’t need ANY form of insurance, because I would be entitled to relief. The next time I see a woman changing a tire in the rain, I could just drive right past. Oh, I’d wave, because that’s the Aloha thing to do. But, when women and men are the same, screw it, they can carry MY groceries.

It became apparent to me that the more empathetic I became to the plight of the less-fortunate, the less I actually had to DO about it. An unexpected by-product also arose. I could quit working, move into a public park, and begin to pursue my dream of a free PhD. It will mean less, of course, because they’ll have to give a lot more of them out. But, there are always trade-offs.

This new feeling of self-worth, the joy I feel at being so generous with other people’s treasure is exhilarating. The more liberal I become, the easier it is to look down on you nasty conservatives. The arguments become easy. HEY GREEDY PEOPLE! Everyone deserves… (pick one)! It is your responsibility to ensure I have an equal and enjoyable life. Open the borders, unlock your doors! We liberals deserve stuff.

Alan McConnell

As a semi-retired, father of three, (Journalism - University of Southern Colorado) a supporter of Hillsdale College, and a life-long entrepreneur, my opinions come from a "floating trailer park" in Honolulu. As a constitutional conservative and former Texan, I have a difficult time referring to myself as a Republican, although Republicans most closely approach my beliefs.

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